Guest Blogging

That Fat Girl and the Online Dating World- Dana R. Griffin


After a divorce and then a long term relationship that ended, because a) I got my life together b)he was  jealous of that,and c) alarmingly he had no idea who Nelson Mandela was. (And he was a black man? What? How could you a black man not know who Nelson Mandela was?) I unleashed myself onto the online dating world.


My point of entry was OKcupid. My life is crazy, busy and online seemed to be the best option for me and my best friend was also on “the Cupid”  and seemed to have success there so I thought what the heck. The first person I contacted who contacted me back was great guy who just happened to have finalized his divorce one month before he met me. Needless to say he was not ready for what I was looking for. An eventual life partner.


After about two years of trying to feel out if this man was ever going to be ready (honestly if they want to be with you they will and you don’t have to figure it out men are pretty basic that way.)  I figured I would go back to “the Cupid” and see who else was out there.  Well actually I decided to passively online date. Meaning that I wasn’t going to look for anyone if someone wanted to contact me I would go from there, but I really didn’t have time to waste looking through countless profiles, because well, I’m Busy!


One day a nice guy contacted me and he seemed OK. He had two kids from a previous marriage. Had been divorced for my minimum amount of time. (about 4 years seems, in my experience, an optimal time to heal and sleep with enough other people to get it out of their system so that they are ready for an actual relationship)


So we texted and talked for a couple of weeks before we actually met. We met somewhere close to my house for breakfast because he worked overnights and would be getting off his shift and I had to work that day and it was the only way to fit it into both our schedules. Unconventional perhaps, but if you can’t be adaptable in dating you can’t be adaptable with a  life partner so why even bother.


Several things were red flags to me when we met.  He felt the need to kiss me as a hello. I’m NOT a pda girl with someone I don’t know. I am barely pda with men I do know (at least then but that’s another story.) Throughout the breakfast he was trying to hold my hand before our food arrived. I told him that pda just wasn’t me and he really needed to stop. Once that ended I noticed something else. Something I just couldn’t believe.


He had no teeth.


When I say he had no teeth I mean NO teeth not a ONE!


I couldn’t believe it. I almost couldn’t handle it. My parents spent thousands of dollars on making sure not only did I have teeth in my head, but that they were perfectly straight. This man. This 35 year old man had not one tooth in his head. It’s not like he was a professional hockey player or a boxer or something where he might have gotten them knocked out, and then replaced with fake teeth. I could handle fake teeth, but gums? Just gums? Oh hell no.


After the date ended he tried to kiss me some more.I was uncomfortable and couldn’t get the image of his gums out of my head.


I called my best friend and shared my story with him. His reply was not what I expected he said “ I hope someone could love old, fat, bald me, but if this isn’t something you can get past you should put this guy out of his misery.” My response to him was “Well at least you have teeth.”


That weekend I was headed to St. Louis for a wedding and to visit with my family who I hadn’t seen in years and I told no teeth guy I was going to be busy.


The weekend was filled with texts and calls that were above and beyond normal dating etiquette. So not only was this guy toothless he was obsessive and well annoying. I was going to let him down easy, but decided blunt and to the point. This isn’t going work, sorry. I hope you find what you are looking for.


A little over a month later I met the man I am with now. In our early conversations I said to him you seem perfect, but I have to know do you have all of your teeth?  He laughed and said yes. Why? I told him, and we’ve lived happily ever after.


Now I actually enjoy PDA.

Dana is a 43 year old white single mom of a biracial 13 year old daughter. She started a new career three years ago in video production she is also an online radio co-host. Her background includes music, musical theater, and improv. (aka she studied at Second City and took a masters class with Adam McKay at Piven Theater workshop. Name dropper? Maybe a little)

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